Tag Archives: Crazy

Bipolar Bear Is Camped Out On My Doorstep

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The anxiety has eased up a little for now but I am still not feeling the best mentally.  The thought of my parents coming and staying with us for 3 weeks is taking its toll on my mental health.

I am really freaking out, what will I do with them for 3 weeks on my own (my partner can’t get time off).  That’s the crux of it, spending time with them on my own, the thought of that is doing my head in.  For some reason I am absolutely terrified.

3 weeks is a long time to have someone in your house, I am going to have to make sure that they are looked after, happy and enjoying themselves 24/7.  What if I need a break, some time on my own to recharge the batteries, to balance my mental health?

What will we talk about?  A lot of words can be spoken in 3 weeks, do I have enough to say to last me 3 weeks, usually I’m pretty quiet, more of a listener, are they going to be bored?  I’m going to be taking them for days out, where will we go?

All this stupid stuff is going round and round in my head, confusing me, making me stressed and anxious and making me dreading their visit.

Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to see them it has been a long time and I can’t wait to hug my mum but I am really scared.

I see my psychologist a week before their visit and my psychiatrist two days before they get here so I will have some professional support leading up to it which is good but right now I am feeling a bit bipolar and very unbalanced, I don’t know how to cope with it.

Did some colouring last night to try and relax, these birds were going to be Robins but I decided to go a bit fancy with them, don’t know if birds like that really exist but I think they are pretty (says she who’s partner helps pick her clothes because she has no colour sense!).

Bipolar Bear Is Around Today

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I’m feeling a little bipolar today, that means my mood could go either way.  At the moment I’m sitting on the fence, thinking.

Thinking is always my downfall, I should just let things run their course and go with it, but no I have to be thinking all the time.  It is quite exhausting as I can’t shut my mind off and relax.

So what am I thinking about?

Thinking about my daughter a lot.  I spoke to her this morning (she is in the UK going to college).  She is 18 in a few months, still my baby but she sounded so mature and grown up.  A far cry from the wild and angry teenager we waved off at the airport last June.  Wow she has been gone a year already, and that year has obviously been good for her personal growth.  I’m happy that she is happy.

Thinking about the future of my eyes.  Will they improve any or just get worse?  They don’t seem to be getting any better which is really worrying.  My night vision has deteriorated so how long until my day vision goes too?  I’m really worried about that.  Sure the pain is horrible but it’s my eye sight that I am really worried about.

Thinking about my job.  Nobody’s job is secure in this current climate, what if I lose my job?  Who on earth would give me a job with my eye problems.  No one, that’s who.  That’s worrying me a bit too.

I feel like everything is out of my control and I don’t like it.  It feels scary because I don’t know the outcome of my worries.  All I can do is wait and see what happens.  I need to take a chill pill and settle down!  Maybe get in to a new book at some point today (lunchtime?) to take my mind off it.

Lets just wait and see what happens and deal with it then aye.

Too Crazy to Declutter!

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So we all know I have this problem with hoarding books right?  Can be a problem but it’s got to be better than hoarding animals!

I was looking at my google play and kindle bookshelves and realised that I have no clue why I downloaded about half of them; they are totally not my genre.  Probably to get my book count up so that I don’t get “book anxiety”.   I am pretty sure that half the books in my bookshelves won’t get read so what’s the point in having them there?  They are just taking up space on my tablet and annoying me, taunting me trying to get me to read them when I have zero interest in doing so.

Time to declutter!  It is really difficult for me to get rid of books, so I went into my bookshelves with an aggressive attitude and culled everything that I knew deep down I would not read.

The result: – I now have a total of 14 books over the 2 bookshelves.  Pretty good I think as I had 27 this morning.  All I have now are books that I know I will read and enjoy …. Gawd I had some rubbish in there!  (I’m sure they were great books just not my cup of tea).

Now this is where the bipolar comes in.  I am telling myself that now I have decluttered my bookshelves I have all this room for some new books …… hehe guess who is going book shopping!

So really I haven’t decluttered at all, I am just swapping books that I know I won’t read for ones that I will.  My book count will be way up again before I know it, that’s not a problem though if I am actually going to read the books hey?