A Very Dark Night



I have realised over the last few days how bad my vision is, in particular my night vision and I am finding it quite distressing.

My partner, daughter and I go for a walk most evenings for fitness and to walk the dog.  Lately I have noticed how really dark it is, really black and hard to see the footpath.  I mentioned to my partner how dark it was and she was like really, it’s not dark at all it is really bright tonight.  As we walked I kept losing the path and she had to guide me, she also had to guide me crossing the road because I couldn’t see the step down from the footpath to the road.

The fact that I couldn’t see and my partner and daughter thought it was a really bright night really freaked me out …. My vision is really bad, much worse than I thought and what is freaking me out the most is I am not getting much in the way of answers from my eye doctor.

I saw my rheumatologist yesterday; scleritis is still flaring and very painful.  He said I have not been on the increased dose of Methotrexate long enough to make a difference and to come back in 4 weeks.  If it’s still flaring in 4 weeks they will add another med.  Then I saw the eye doctor and she said that they have done everything they can for me and I just have to wait to see what the rheumatologist does next.

Now that really freaked me out, for the eye doctor to say they can’t do anything has got me really upset and worried about my future.  I cried all the way from the eye doctor’s office to work.  What if I am stuck in this cycle of low vision, flaring and pain for years or for ever?  I am managing to stay pretty strong right now but this just threw me, I don’t know how I will cope if this pain continues much longer.  Sometimes it is so bad I lay on the bed whimpering and moaning in pain.  I can’t live like that long term that’s for sure.

This illness is really testing my strength.  Luckily I am a tough old bird!


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